School Halloween

 The boys school knows how to celebrate Halloween. It begins with a huge parade by the whole school.  The kids all sit in the middle of the gym and are called up by category (moving vehicles, witches and goblins, food etc) and anyone dressed in that category parades around the other kids.  After the parade the parents set up food and activities in each classroom while the kids play outside.  Above is Ads (as a cheetah) and his two buddies.

 Adler knows how to find the sugar.  After eating 2 cupcakes and several cookies in his classroom, he asked if we could go to Landons class party.  Immediately he found donuts on a rope.  

 So fun!

I didn't get any pictures of LT, he was too fast.  When they called up food (he was a banana), he skipped around the room, high fiving everyone, K-8th graders, teachers he knew and didn't know, parents and siblings.  It truly is amazing how confident he is now.  In Kindergarten he walked around the circle with his teacher and sat down as quickly as possible. In 1st grade he maybe got up and walked around, head and eyes glued down.  Last year we didn't go due to Elsie's death.  I like to attribute this confidence to high quality parenting, but I have to give most of the credit to his teachers and the incredible school.  

Teachers

 The boys have been teaching Blane how to do a downward dog, I think he, mostly, has it perfected.

And Blane is teaching the boys all about tummy time, or as the big boys call it, "belly bumps".

love, sorrow and acceptance

"You're in love, aren't you?" Kari asked me sometime, even before I'd first held him, in the fleeting moments right after Blane's birth. It was all I could do to muster a short "yes" through the smile on my face and the tear or two that rolled down my cheek. I couldn't say much. But I didn't have to. She could see it. I'm sure everyone in the room could see it.

I hadn't become very emotionally attached to the baby during the pregnancy. To be honest, I didn't particularly attach to any of the kids while in utero. It's just how I was. But this time, after losing Elsie, the emotional distance I kept was even greater. I suppose it was an emotional self-defense mechanism. But once I could actually see and hold my beautiful baby Blane, that guard quickly and fully fell away. I was, and am, completely and utterly lovestruck.

The profound love I have for my new son is not without its complications, however. Regardless of the stories we've tried to tell ourselves, the simple fact is that Blane wouldn't exist, if Elsie had lived. I'm not sure how to reconcile the feelings that arise from that. How can I be so grateful for his life while knowing that, but for the death of his sister, he wouldn't even be here? Does that also make me grateful for her death? How can I truly mourn the loss of Elsie while knowing that, had she lived, Blane wouldn't have come into this word? Doesn't then my longing for Elsie betray the love for my new son? Does wishing for her also mean not wanting him?

I can't answer those questions. In the weeks since they first began to surface in my mind, I'm coming to realize that I'll never have answers. Slowly I'm coming to see that gratitude and sorrow will coexist. Now. And forever. Acceptance and non-judgement, I'm gradually learning, are the only real answers.

The photo above is of my wedding ring and the ring I have to commemorate Elsie. We'd nicknamed Elsie the fox when Kari was pregnant (a story for another time) before we even knew if she was a girl or a boy. I have no memories of her alive that I can hold onto. The fox has taken on some special meaning to me and, in a way, filled the void of something to remember her by. And so I drew a small simple fox and had it engraved on the inside of the ring. These two rings are the only pieces of jewelry that I have. But I wear them always. One is a reminder of gratitude and commitment while the other is of sorrow and loss. But both represent love. It's a contradiction that I'll never fully reconcile. But that contradiction is now a part of me and, as is the theme here, I'm learning to simply accept it.

This was taken when Blane was only one day old. It is our family, our whole family, with the stuffed fox representing the place that Elsie holds (just like it did before her death).  Blane completed our family but he didn't replace Elsie. We'll always have a piece missing but we'll find wholeness in what we do have. Another contradiction to accept.

Sweet baby

bed time

Recently the bedtime routine has involved a lot of Blane being held and getting read stories by his older brothers.

Bottle Bros

first zoo trip

Last kid

Guess when you're the last kid in the family a little less attention is paid to your needs.  We left our house Monday morning at 9 for a full days worth of events and no diapers.  After being peed and pooped on, we finally made a quick stop at my parents house (closest place) in hopes that there might be diapers from one of their grandsons.  We had little luck with normal diapers, but the boys scrounged up this two size too big swim diaper and that's what Blane got to wear! He didn't mind a bit.

seventeen days

Blane meets some family

 With my dad's most recent injuries landing him in a skilled nursing facility, my cousin and uncle decided to come out for a few days to take care of him.  Lucky for all of us, the timing was good for meeting little Blane.  

Blanes first time to the patch

 One of my favorite fall activities is visiting a pumpkin patch with the boys.  They have a four day weekend this weekend (first of two fall breaks within 3 weeks of each other) and so we took advantage of the perfect weather and day off to visit Rock Creek.  

 Blane slept through the whole thing, but the boys were very excited to show their brother what a pumpkin patch is all about!

right angle

Elsie and Blane

This October marks two very important dates for our family and we wanted to do something to celebrate and remember them. As many of you know, our sweet Elsie Sloan was born and died on October 29 of last year. This year, just recently on October 3, we welcomed our adorable Blane William as a new addition to our family. We would like to celebrate both lives with as many of you as possible. We plan on visiting the tree that, with the generous help of so many friends and family, was dedicated to Elsie at the Botanic Gardens on Saturday October 24 from 1-2. There is no service at the tree, just a chance for people to visit it as they explore the gardens (if they like). Kari and I will be at the tree to see people for that hour (doubtful that our kids will sit there for long!). Afterwords we'll be hosting an informal open house at our home from 2:15-4 PM to meet Blane. We invite you to come to whatever feels most comfortable/works with your schedule. We understand this is very last minute and apologize, but weren't in a position to plan anything until our sweet baby was born healthy.

Here is a link to the map of roughly where the tree is located at the Gardens: https://goo.gl/maps/SrjYWeAGD6u

We created an evite for this but no doubt missed some people when scanning though whatever our gmail address books decided to show us last night. Please don't take offense, if you didn't directly get an evite. All are welcome. That's why I'm putting this here. Though the loss of our daughter was tragic, this is meant to be a celebration of her short time and her new baby brother. And, in a small way, an attempt to say thank you again for the unbelievable support we've received from friends, family and community over the last year.

I hope to see you on the 24th. But I want you to know that, even if I don't, that's okay too.

With love and gratitude,
Brian

first bath

Blane took his first ever bath last night, which ended a bit prematurely when he decided to do a pee fountain.  

 

six days old

an eventful weekend

We took the boys to a special dinner out at the ChopHouse Thursday night before the scheduled arrival of little Blane. We were expecting to be admitted to the hospital either Friday night or extremely early on Saturday morning so Kari had arranged for them to stay with her parents Friday night and until we came home with the baby. So Thursday night was supposed to be our last night together with just the four of us and we wanted to do something a little special.  

Friday didn't go quite as planned, however, as Papa had a pretty nasty bike accident, which landed him in the hospital (yes, again - he's pretty beat up but doing okay now). Kari had the foresight to take him to Rose, where Blane would be born the next day, to simplify logistics for everyone a bit.

Adjusting our plans on the fly, we had one more dinner out with the two older boys before the arrival of their little brother. We tried to go to Shells and Sauce but had to reroute to Zorba's due to a very long wait time. Which is probably somehow fitting. And Alder wore his Halloween cheetah costume to dinner. Which is probably also somehow fitting.

We did go to the hospital very early Saturday morning and this little guy came into the world not too much later that day.  

Brothers

Brotherly love

 Bedtime has become a little more hectic and time consuming, but a lot more fun.  We all snuggle in our bed and read stories to Elsie and Blane and then a few for the big boys.  Landon has become especially attached to this special time with Blane.  

 Lots of boys!

Adler likes to hold Blane in the morning before going to school (often we have to get Blane out of bed for this, but its pretty sweet).  

Baby Blane at the hospital