Its been 6 months today that we said hello and goodbye to Elsie. As we move through time and grief, acceptance has become important. Elsie died, she's never coming back in a physical form to be with us. I must accept that, no matter how difficult the concept. I must also accept that this happened, it wasn't a dream, it can't be changed, it is the truth, we have a daughter and she died. Those words are incredibly hard to accept.
I'm not one to pour my feelings into a public blog. Writing publicly doesn't help me move through grief. While I have found writing to be therapeutic, I do it privately. Luckily I have several very close friends and family that have been most helpful in my grief process. They have stood by me, and not shied away from asking me the painful and difficult questions and patiently waited and listened as I open myself up. They know that as time passes, I will never forget that Elsie died and they also will never forget. We have walked this journey together and for this I am so grateful. With that said, this blog is about our children, Elsie is one of them. I don't have memories or pictures to share of her as she would learn to sit and eat, only my imagination of what she might be like. However, she deserves to be recognized on this blog as one of our children. Brian and I feel lucky to be the parents of all four of our children, in whatever form they are in.
Elsie taught me more in her short 38 weeks with me than anyone has taught me. Gratitude being the first thing that pops into my mind. Gratitude towards my very close friends and family that have stood with me. Gratitude that Brian and I are working through this grief together, knowing the odds have been against our marriage from the moment we lost our child. This wasn't just luck, marriage is incredibly difficult in easy situations and then when you are thrown the death of your child, it becomes increasingly more difficult. We have made our marriage, and our children, our priority and both of us have worked hard at understanding one another and for that I am thankful. Gratitude that we have two amazingly healthy little boys that make us laugh and play, even when we don't feel at our best. Most importantly, Elsie taught me to appreciate that I never have to say goodbye to being her mom. I don't get to parent her in the traditional sense, but I get to be her mom forever and for that I am extremely grateful. We were deprived of the time to watch Elsie grow up, we were not deprived of being her parents and to me, that is incredibly important to remember.
Elsie also taught me how little control we have in our lives. Our culture tries to explain everything, good and bad. Elsie's death is not explainable. No one could have handled things differently to give us a different outcome. I am not perfect at this, but she taught me to work on being appreciative of the moment we are in rather than investing emotion into our future, the future is out of my control. The devastating let down when we emotionally invest in future plans that don't pan out is incredibly painful.
Elsie taught me not to fear death. Her death was beautiful. I can think of no better place to die than inside your mom, warm, protected and loved. While this isn't how I will die, she showed me that death is a peaceful experience and one to embrace when the time is ready.
While recognizing that today would be her 6 month birthday is difficult, rather than reflect on all the sadness and anger grief has brought along the way, I choose to focus on the meaningful lessons she taught me through this grief process. I welcome the occasional tears when they come, they aren't tears of a deep depression, they are a reminder of the love that I have for our daughter.
I have no doubt that she would want us focusing and remembering on all the good in our lives. Elsie was a happy baby, constantly moving and wiggling inside me. I know she is a happy child, wherever she is and I know she encourages the happy lifestyle that I naturally gravitate towards. As we move further and further away from her physical presence, I take what she taught me and continues to teach me to try and better myself and those around me. Thank you Elsie, for all you gave and continue to give me. I am proud to be your mom.
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